I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
