so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
either way he was missing a nipple.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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