The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
