Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
