Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
