Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
