I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
