Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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