Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You're completely useless in the revolution.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
