im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
