He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We don't watch enough power rangers
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
