I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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