At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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