Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
