You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Houston, we have a squirter
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
