she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
