just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
