glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
God, I missed his penis.
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