if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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