Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
