Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
