I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
