You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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