then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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