How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
