meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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