When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
