My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
