Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
