all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I just want nice things and good sex
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
