no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
