I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Everclear isn't food dammit
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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