seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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