I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize