It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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