My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
