Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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