Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
