I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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