May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize