I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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