There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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