I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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