you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Randomize
