Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
