i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
