There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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