Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
