If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
