I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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