I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
