he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
