My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
