I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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