I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
