Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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