Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
