dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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