he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
