TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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