Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
