it hurts more in the daytime
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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